The Words I Would Say

"Three in the morning and I'm still awake
so I picked up a pen and a page.
And I started writing just what I'd say
if we were face to face
I'd tell you just what you mean to me
Tell you these simple truths"
-Sidewalk Prophets "The Words I Would Say"

It is three in the morning. I am still awake. I feel like a crazy person. My 6 month old is sleeping. My other little nighttime visitors have stayed in their rooms. The fever I have had for 3 days is finally gone. I have a pretty perfect recipe for sleep, but here I am wide awake.

My mind is reeling with so many burdens ranging from to do lists to parenting questions to guilt over my failures, and I just can't shut it down. Then, it hits me when I look at the clock and this song from Sidewalk Prophets comes to mind: I am missing my mother-in-law. Pretty much all of the questions and issues I have been keeping bottled up are things I would talk with her about. Bless his heart, Richard tries to hear me out and help, but he is no match for his mom (plus, I can't complain about him to him! Haha).

Grief is strange that way. It hits you when you least expect it, and often at unconvenient times. I have been quiet about it myself because I am struggling to find my place in this new normal. I don't want to pretend like I even have a clue as to how my husband or father-in-law or siblings-in-law feel. I mean, I still have my mom, and I know that is a huge blessing that I do not take for granted. I don't want to be selfish and wallow in grief, taking away attention and support from those who need it more. 

I will admit, I have not been the best support person through this. I have been selfish. I have gotten caught up in daily life and not allowed mysrlf, my kids, or even Richard space to grieve. Falling back into routine was my coping mechanism, but I din't think it is working very well. Yet, I just don't want to dwell on this loss because my family needs me to hold it togrther, to keep things running. So, I have kept to myself and carried on, holding this sorrow tightly to my chest.

But not tonight. Tonight, I miss her. I need her advice on how to do this mom of lots of littles thing. I need her to stop by on her way home from work just to break up the monotony of a day without adult contact. I need her support in my parenting decisions because--even thougg I am the crazy hippie mom--she sppreciated my way of doung things. I need her because she made me feel like part of the family more than anyone else.

I just want one more day to talk to her and get the kind of advice that only Joanna could give. I don't say all this to make anyone feel badly or to wallow in self-pity. Like I said, I know my grief is nothing compared the the rest of the family's. But, I needed to write this, if only to clear my my mind so I can get some sleep before the kids wake up in 2 hours.

That song keeps playing in my mind, and I can't help but think that this is what Joanna needs me to hear, so I'll close with this:

Be strong in the Lord and
never give up hope.
You're gonna do great things
I already know
God's got his hand on you so
don't live life in fear
forgive and forget
but don't forget why you're here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say